Conan Brothers Q&A

 

PoliticalJunkie asks "What do you guys think will happen next Tuesday? Who will win the Midterms?"

Dave: Probably not you or me.

Arnold: Unless it's a total Democratic victory, the American people lose. The polls are tightening toward Republicans. We already voted, but we're not optimistic.

Dave: The question that will determine the election is "How much do Americans care about democracy?" I'm afraid that we already know the answer.

Arnold: The United States isn't a democracy, Dave. It's a capitalist oligarchy. It's a consumerist nation where wealth defines how much you matter to society. We're the fucking Ferengi, is what I'm saying. Americans would gladly exchange their right to vote for an Amazon gift card and lower gas prices. Our understanding of our political system is limited to simplistic takes, which is why fascism is so attractive to the under-educated masses. Gas prices up? Must be Biden's fault! He's the President, ain't he? Can't the President do anything?

Dave: You're becoming cynical.

Arnold: Everything that's happened to American politics since 2016 would turn Jesus himself into a cynic. I had no idea how susceptible the average American was to propaganda.

Dave: You got to have hope, brother.

Arnold: You're right. I'm no defeatist. I know that there are good people out there who aren't fooled. We can't give up, no matter what happens. We have to do as much good in our lives as we can.

Dave: You're a fucking saint, you know that?

Arnold: Beam me up, Scottie.

Dave: ...

...

FattieMcTwoShoes asks "What's a good diet for a person looking to lean out? I can't get rid of these love handles!"

Dave: More cushion for the pushin'?

Arnold: You prefer the doughnut look?

Dave: I ain't bothered by a spare tire.

Arnold: Intermittent fasting is pretty idiot-proof. Just do a 16 hour fast. Stop eating at eight at night, and fast till noon the next day. You'll become more insulin sensitive and lose some of that stubborn midsection fat.

Dave: I thought that's what Nugenix Total-T did!

Arnold: Fuck, just take steroids instead of overpaying for a B12 supplement. Anyway, check out Lean Gains for more on bodybuilding and intermittent fasting.

...

DumbassBob asks "What's the key to happiness?"

Dave: Ice cream.

Arnold: Living for something other than your own pleasure.

Dave: I can't think of anything more gross than a solipsistic quest to find happiness.

Arnold: Eat, Love, Pray, Dave. Become a fat, slutty Evangelical.

Dave: Was that what that movie was about?

Arnold. Sure. Other than my initial answer, you could always drink until you think of something. I've found that alcoholism is more productive than it's often depicted.

Dave: Hemingway was an alcoholic! And a prolific writer!

Arnold: The two go hand in hand. I find that creative people often have manic personalities. If you happen to be such a person, then making something should give you a high that you can coast on for a few days. Be productive, is what I'm saying. Not in an economic sense; you're a human being, not a fucking machine. In a personal, creative sense. Write something. Make a chair. Learn an instrument. Try to write a book. Better thyself in the old Star Trek Next Generation model. Be a William Riker, DumbassBob.

Dave: Advice we can all live by.