Sunday, July 25, 2021

D&D Stories: Pigface McRobinson

 


Pigface McRobinson is a half-orc barbarian fighter. He smells like shit and his fists do the talking, most of the time, unless his mouth remembers how to speak. He once kept a unicorn phallus strapped to his skull for "cultural reasons" until Bim-Bim the gnome broke it. His ax is his favorite weapon. His least favorite is a club called Stink Fist.

Pigface once tried to hide from Frog People behind a tree. He stuck out like an ugly orc.

Pigface once got so drunk that he nearly killed several fish people at the docks. He beat the shit out of those fish people, and they now have to live in special homes for fish people who can't think real good.

Pigface used to keep Bim-Bim in a cage because he was a serial murderer who collected phalluses.

Pigface once blew several hundred gold coins on a threesome with a seven foot tall vampire lady and a cat chick. It was totally worth it.

In one of his last combats, he hulk climbed a building and threw a goddamn mage off the top of it like the boss he is.

Pigface has -1 charisma, due to his reek.

Pigface will often purchase bushels of apples from local orchards to keep his colon functional.

I've noticed that the drunker I get, the drunker Pigface becomes.

Pigface was once profiled by guardsmen after eating twenty meat pies. He ran and ran but they caught his ass and roughed him up real good.

Pigface was dishonorably discharged, and he won't talk about why.

His last lover was a cook in Lord Orbus's palace who weighed three bills and broke a table with her clapping ass.

If there's a door, Pigface is kicking that motherfucker down.

When he sleeps, he often dreams of frolicking in the fields of his youth, the sun beating down upon his green shoulders, the voices of his family ringing in his ears. Then he awakes and has himself a good cry because all things must pass.

Pigface once rocked a pair of leather snake skin pants and a Kenny Omega mullet.

Pigface's prized possession is a book of penis lore given to him by a mage named Gump Stumpen. He can't read any of it, but it has nice pictures.

Sometimes Pigface wonders if there's more to life besides fighting, fucking, and drinking himself under. Then he stops wondering, because contemplation is for pussies.

After making a tyrannosaurus rex his mount, Pigface can die a happy half-orc.

Pigface sometimes thinks that he's too stupid for love, but he isn't.



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