Ya'll lookin' at our next Prezident!
Howdy ya'll, what's happining in that crazy wide world of ours? We'll, I'll tell ya'll that alot has happened in the Goons world in recent times. I has got a good job at the library after sweet-talkin teh libearian who looks somethin like Sherel Crow only 'bout half as fetchin' and five times as ornery. She found me starin' all precious like at some buuks (I was tryin' to find somethin on sasqutches and their mating habits) and took a lieking to me, thinking I was some halfwit or retard. So I has been stackin' stuff and orderin' tiles based on teh computated amount of titties, an' my system has been workin' out mighty fine, or so the voices say. Soemetimes when teh libarians are speakin' I listen in all quiet-like from behind teh buukshelfs, an so I's been aquainting meself with politics an d who's a runnin fer the jackass nomination, or so Uncle Willy calls teh Demoncrats. Now Shearl Chrow lieks Lizbeth Warren, but I'm a gonna give ya'll teh run down of teh various candidates based on what I has heard from teh educated and Uncle Willy, who definitely ain't.
SLeepy Joe-- Aparently he was teh Vice King to teh former President, Barry Humane Obama. Shearl Chrow says he wants to taek us back to a time that no longer exists, so I geuss he has a time machine and wants to bring back teh Dinosaurs, which never existed, at least according to my more religius relations. He was teh favorite to win teh Donkey Kingship, but he's craterin' in teh polls faster tehn Slack's periods of sobreity, so I don't know if he's ever gonna get to use taht time machine.
Major Pete-- Major Pete is a good boy an he sort a loks like teh guy who wrote for teh school newspaper and who had himself a couple problems wit teh bullying sort. Once taht guy was kind to me and gave me a sandwich he found by teh trash can after a vicious underpantsin'. According to Shearl, Major Pete don't have enough experience, though I ain't sure that hurts him nowadays, when teh President can be a whoremonger and a whatabooger eater.
Amy Kobuucher-- I don't know taht much about her, udder than she's a mordorate, which means she's for teh policies of Mordor, teh land which Sauron rules. Maybe she's an ork? Will have to ask Uncle willy 'bout tis one.
Lizbeth Warren-- Uncle Willy's talked alot about her an how she's bring all men folks down wit her radical veminism. Uncle Willy's never liked women much since teh cops came an beat him wit reeds for keepin' a bunch of womens udder lokc an key. I wun't trust Uncle Willy wit much besides a fifth of gin or a sack of bubble gum. I'll keep investigatings.
Michael Boomberg-- Another Billionire in teh race! Is taht what we need? Apparently you can be a Billioare an not know how to talk or have a soul. Now mikal is much better at those things tahn Trump, but he's still got more money tahn Davy Crockett, an taht don't sit right in my book, having never had more money tahn I can fit in me pockets or a racoon's carcass. No to Boomberg! Sit down, mikey!
Berine Sanders-- Ya'll feelin' the Burn yet? If so, tahn don't wait, go to teh docter cause it might be sifilus an that can rot yer brain, I'm livin' proof. Bernie wants to take all teh money from Boomberg and Trump and give it to normal folks like me and Shearl Chrow. Wit al teh money Berines gonna give me, I can finally move outta teh trailer and leave teh hills behind with all teh eyes and their mutant owners. Also, I has a lump in my testical an I need healthcare, witch teh orchard and teh library don't provide, so If Bernard don't win, I may has to loos my nutsack an would life be worth livin if such a thing occcurded? Ask yurself such when you heda to teh pooles. An that all I has to say bout taht.
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