Hello, my fellow Americans. It's been a while since you last heard from me. I guess that's either good or bad, depending on your perspective, since I typically only talk to my constituents when I have to, i.e., when I'm apologizing. I guess I've done something else that the liberal media considers wrong. Again. Hell, let's get this over with.
I suppose you've heard about Harvey Weinstein. Maybe the transgressions of Louis C.K. have reached your ears. Perhaps the butt-grabbing antics of Al Franken or the underage predation of Roy Moore have caught your attention. Let me tell you something, before CNN gets it wrong: Roy Moore is a good man, no matter how many teenage girls he's kissed. Everybody's giving him shit because he likes 'em a little young, while forgetting that Alabamians picked him in the Republican primary after he said 9/11 was divine punishment from God and homosexuality should be illegal. This is a democracy, people. If the good folks of Alabama want to elect a possible pedophile to the Senate, well, then that's their prerogative. Roy Moore is a god-fearing man who says what's on his mind. You want tax cuts? You want the ten commandments in your schools? Then you better not vote for the Democrat. It's about priorities, folks. The media just doesn't understand this.
Hell, Nancy Pelosi was bending over backwards to defend John Conyers because she doesn't want to give up a House seat. You don't see Senator Franken resigning, do you? I'll tell you what, when Al resigns and President Trump calls it quits, I'll do the same. There are always allegations dogging you when you're a powerful man. Keep in mind, you can't prove anything one-hundred percent. That's science, which I always use when convenient (and discard otherwise).
Even if these allegations were true (and they most certainly ain't), we certainly must redirect the blame on a culture that encourages sexual aggression in men. I was watching a James Bond movie the other day with my son, and we each took a shot of tequila every time 007 committed sexual assault. By the end of Goldfinger, we were both plastered, and that little tot can hold his liquor, let me tell you. What I'm saying is, the standards for sexual harassment were different until like yesterday. A man used to have privileges, is what I'm saying. Nobody batted an eyelash when the district attorney cruised past the mall looking for some teenage T and A. Your preacher could cop a feel off an altar boy and that was just part of being a good Catholic. Nobody really cared, you know? Men were being men. Now the feminists are trying to breed all the God-given aggression out of the human race, and I have to ask, how is anybody going to get a date? Women used to know when I liked them, because my hand was halfway down their blouses. If they didn't like it, they were free to punch and kick and run until I was too tired to chase them. How do you think cavemen did it? You think there was anything consensual about sex back when Barney and Fred were doing circles around their local bowling alley, drinking fermented dinosaur piss? Come on, give me a break.
My press secretary is looking over my shoulder while I write this, and I know he's going to edit about about 90 percent of it, so what the hell, let's really let loose. I'm sorry I did the things that they say I did, but it wasn't my fault, and I think what's really important is to remember that I'm for tax cuts, economic growth, keeping government spending down, and putting the F in family. The other guy isn't, okay? He's for killing babies, protecting the rights of the dishonest media, giving handouts to welfare mothers, and marriage to the gays. Who cares how many pussies I've grabbed or dicks I've shook. We need to protect conservative values, and I'm the guy who will stand by you and maybe give your daughter my phone number if she looks like she's game. Let's drain the swamp. God bless.
No comments:
Post a Comment