Life Is a Bag of Farts

Hey there. I'm back from weeks of meditation, and I've had an epiphany. Stop your endless quest for riches. Cease looking to the heavens for meaning. Don't go to church or find refuge in science. Life, my friend, is a bag of farts. It's time that you realize this.

What's the atmosphere composed of, friend? You might say nitrogen and oxygen, but keep in mind, methane make up less than a tenth of one percent of the atmosphere, which is something, right? Where does methane come from? Well, many places, but farts are one distributor. In fact, cow farts may be contributing to climate change. Think about that the next time you rip one. Your farts are killing the future.

Every time I turn on the news all I hear is the sound of a bag of farts bursting. What is President Trump if not a semi-sentient bag of flatulence? I'd like someone to prove to me that he's not a bag of farts. You want to talk about fake news, hell, I want to talk about the big bag of farts running the country and what we're going to do about it.

You ever have to unclog a sink or replace a toilet? What kind of smell comes wafting up out of the underground? Farts, that's what smell. We walk upon the buried history of our farts every day and never give that fact a second thought. We think that we can bottle up all of our gases, hide them in the subterranean, and pretend that they don't exist, that they are not the natural smell of us and our human doings. Keep a bunch of people in the same room for more than a couple hours, and tell me what you smell. We exude farts like sweat, tears, or blood. You want a prime description of the human condition? Being a human being is like being a bag of farts.

Accepting that you are a bag of farts is the key to nirvana. Suffer no more, friend, for thou cometh from farts, and back to farts thou shall return. Expunge the idea of a sentient being residing within the fleshy bag you call home. States of matter are variable, depending on temperature for their variance. Just because you don't presently look like a bag of farts doesn't mean you won't return to that state. Believe you me, I've seen plenty of folks who are in transition. You shall know them by the fart sounds they make while they walk.

Hopefully I've convinced you. The next time you pass gas, do not hold your nose. Accept that life, like a bag of farts, is transient. Eventually the bag becomes empty.