Wednesday, December 28, 2016

The Hillsdale Paranormal Society's Guide to Avoiding Troll Beasts

One way you can tell a troll beast is from the way they flaunt their stolen human skin.

Howdy dudes and dudettes, we're approaching the new year and Christmas is past, which means we're still in peak troll beast season, FYI. For those not in the know, a troll beast is a creature masquerading as a human through the use of a stolen human skin. Pretty gnarly, right? Most people encounter troll beasts every day, yet they don't know it. For all of you nascent monster hunters out there, however, it's pretty easy to detect one if you know what you're looking for. The Hillsdale Paranormal Society has your back, as always, and me and my boy Trent quickly hammered together this guide so that you all don't get assaulted and flayed by a pack of hangry troll monsters when you're trying to return all those pairs of underwear your uncle Larry bought you, the freak.

Numero Uno) Avoid Walmart. Really, this one should be on any person's life guide, 'cause Walmart is a breeding ground for troll beasts and denizens of the night. I've met a couple vampires there, but they were the Hot Topic kind of vamps, which are super-lame, for whatever that's worth. Troll beasts don't understand how to eat like a human, so they frequent big department stores to stock up on things they think humans eat, like boxes of pop tarts and toilet paper. You can always tell a troll beast by what they've placed in their shopping cart. If it's full of ten bags of cheese wiz and an equal amount of tampons, you know you got a live one. Usually they try to get your attention by grabbing your arm and asking for a price check, like you work there. I recommend a full punch to the face, focusing on their teeth. Trolls don't have many teeth, and they're strangely protective of the ones they have, so if you manage to knock a chomper or two loose, they should loosen their grip enough for you to make like Marky-Mark back in his Boston gang days when he was assaulting random Vietnamese dudes and get the hell outta there.

Numero Dos) Watch out for amorphous creatures. Like, I'm not digging on fat people, but if you have a suspicious excess of adipose tissue, like, so much so that you're dragging around your muffin top in a wheelbarrow, then you might be a troll beast. Human skin is elastic, and once separated from the flesh becomes rather stretchy. Troll beasts in general tend to be lumpy and over-fed, so when they stuff themselves into their stolen human skin, they kinda stick out like Donald Trump in a room full of classy people.

Numero Tres) Be aware of their political affiliation. Troll beasts tend to vote conservative, because most Republican policies weaken the lower classes and make them vulnerable to predation by troll beasts. If you're in a northern state and you see someone sporting a confederate flag on their shirt, then you should automatically be suspicious, not just of said creature being a troll beast, but of that person being a dumbass, because they definitely are. This goes double for Trump supporters, which are almost entirely made up of troll beasts, because Donald Trump is the troll God. So like, don't let him in your house or nothing, even if he is the President. Dude's also half-Reptilian, so that's like another reason.

Numero Quatro) Avoid the local utilities department. Like, I know I had something better for number four, but I had to pay my water bill the other day, and lo and behold, the place was full of troll beasts! There must be some kind of conspiracy or something. From now on, I'm mailing in my bill (if I pay it, that is!).

Happy new year, bros, and watch out for troll beasts and leshens, and try to stay remotely classy, like Marky-Mark and John Cena. Peace.

I think this is just a crazy person, but it could be a troll beast.


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