Sunday, October 13, 2019

The Heart of the Thief: The Palace


Previous Chapter: The Thief and the Wizard

The Thief waited by the porter's gate with a lute strung across his back and a bottle in hand. He had brought a bottle for the guardsman as well as one for himself, though he hadn't drunk enough from it to become drunk. People passed in the street: bands of roving children, gentlemen on the prowl, characters hooded and cloaked, obvious miscreants with razors hidden in their sleeves. A Haliurunnae witch hunter clad in feathers and wearing a jackal’s face stopped and stared at the Thief for some time before huffing and continuing down the street. Bernard snapped at these fiends, telling them to keep their distance or risk feeling the point of his halberd, which he brandished about menacingly, bushy eyebrows raised, his mustache inclined at a similar angle. The zealous fool didn't seem like the type to be bribed with a bottle of port; rather, he seemed more likely to impale a prospective friend such as the Thief before he could even approach. Above were the fortress walls, emerging from the mountain's side like the scutes of an armored beast. Cassilda he whispered suddenly, testing the name on his tongue. He looked to his left and saw a courtesan coming down the street, smiling, a fan clutched in her gloved right hand. She passed the Thief, looking at him with green eyes, lashes flashing, and he was at her side in an instant, his arm entwined with hers. What is happening he thought, as his feet moved and his face broke into a disarming grin. They marched up to Bernard, who eyed them warily, and Cassilda curtseyed and he followed with a deep bow. “For you, sir,” he said, presenting the bottle of port. “As a reward for your exquisite service.”
    “Aye, what's that?” asked Bernard, twitching his mustache.
    “You are being honored, recognized for your distinction. There is no better halberd man at court. No men of foul repute will ever pass through this gate, such is the greatness of your discretion. Please, take this.” The Thief offered up the bottle, marveling at the words that came from his mouth.
    “Is that there some of that spiced wine? Did the boys put you up to it? I warn ye, I don't like being played for a fool,” said Bernard, eying Cassilda rather lasciviously.
    “No one would ever take you to be one,” said Cassilda, giving him a winning smile. She extended a gloved hand, touching the hairy arm of the guardsman. Suddenly she had wrapped herself around him, lips in his ear, and a shudder passed through his body, a seismic tremble that resulted in his falling back against the wall, slumped downward, legs bent and barely supporting his stout frame. She looked at the Thief, eyes aflame, burning with emerald glory, and pointed at the bottle in his hand. He placed it at Bernard's feet, and they darted into the passageway. Luck spare me thought the Thief, following Cassilda as she hurried through the hall. He grabbed a hold of her arm as she mounted a spiraling staircase.
    “Let go of me, vagabond,” she said, tearing free, and continuing to climb.
    “We were supposed to bribe him, not poison him,” said the Thief.
    “Yes, that was the plan,” replied Cassilda. “I took the initiative, however, because I felt that Bernard might not have let us through. You might call it a gut feeling. Don’t thieves trust their intuition? Survival dictates that sorceresses must do so, for the unconscious knows better than the conscious mind in many cases.”
    “Don’t put words in my mouth. You used your magic to speak through me.”
    “I did nothing of the sort!” Cassilda turned around and faced him in mock fury. “I put a spell on you to make you more eloquent, that was all. You saw how the man brandished that halberd. Had you approached him with your natural charm, I dare say that you would’ve been impaled or beheaded. Do you forgive me?”    
     “Forgive me, my lady, for my ruffian nature often overcomes my better sense. I realize that I lack the skills of a gentleman and that my speech often resembles the braying of an ass. For my failings, I apologize, and I heretofore defer to your superior wisdom, endeavoring to cooperate to the best of… damn it, woman, I will not be your puppet!” sputtered the Thief, finally regaining control of his tongue.
    “Will you not? Can you stop your feet?” Cassilda looked at him, turning around as she climbed. The Thief tried to stop but kept climbing, taking each step at an inexorable pace.
“Yes, you seem to be in a pickle, as they say in Vaalbara. I think it will be best to cooperate with the spell. Trying to resist such things usually results in unpleasantness.”
    “Unpleasantness?” spat the Thief, gritting his teeth in fury. “What are you going to do, have me walk off a ledge? You need me, you said it yourself.”
    Cassilda laughed, wheezing, her breath shortened from climbing. Through a tiny window he saw the city spread out beneath them, its towers distant and shrinking with every step.
    “Yes, of course I need you, but you must be reminded that I oversee this stage of our heist. You took the money I offered, therefore you are my employee, and if I choose to improvise, I will not be seconded-guessed by a subordinate, especially one of such questionable character.”
    “I am no one’s subordinate, woman,” said the Thief, his nostrils flaring. “Your arrogance will get the better of you someday. You magicians think you can do anything to anybody and not suffer the consequences. There’s a reason they behead your kind in the North.”
    “You know much about magicians? I would think that your expertise would be limited to how to break door jambs and twist arms for money,” said Cassilda.
    “The Valientice vault was my work, as was the Royal Bank Heist! Yours truly stole the Kardenian diamond from the pirate marauder Edward Thatch, but don’t ask me what I did with it, or I’ll have to kill you. What do you know of stealing, courtesan? Harlotry, not sorcery, is your profession, no?” snarled the Thief.
    “We all do things for money. I’ve never really understood the shame in survival. Let's get the Heart and be done with it, agreed? No more quarrels. We will make it out of here alive, as well as considerably richer. I promise you that. One of these days I’ll keep one.” Cassilda stopped, finally having reached the summit of the stairway. “Well look at that. There's an allure ahead. I hope you don't get vertigo. It's rather high up and there's not much of a parapet.”
    The Thief tried to move his feet back down the staircase, but as soon as Cassilda ventured out onto the wall walk, they followed her obediently like two whipped dogs. I will kill that sorceress he thought, stepping out into the air, the wind snapping at his frame, plucking the strings of his lute as he moved across the narrow pathway. Heights had never bothered him; he always considered the rooftops of the city to be his highway and an easy way to travel if one didn't mind making the occasional mad leap. Cassilda clutched the smooth wall as she rushed towards the next tower, her gaze fixed firmly on the doorway—she was scared, he saw, though she moved gracefully enough, gown flapping as the breeze broke against the mountain, revealing long, lean limbs. There was a scar on her right calf, an ugly thing stretched across the muscle like a purple leech. Must've hurt like hell he thought as he followed her into the tower. He thought it odd that she had not removed such a blemish.
    “Hey, more stairs,” said Cassilda, already moving upward. “We will reach the lowest level soon, and then we'll go to the atrium and see who's congregating. You look like a social person. Perhaps you play that lute?”
    “I know many bawdy songs. I even know one about a harlot who gets a thief killed.”
    “I'm sure that will go over nicely with the other courtesans. To tell the truth, I'm very worried about your role in this stage. You look as though you'd rather use that lute as a weapon than an instrument. Are you capable of guile, Mr. Thief? You do realize that a lute is a poor thing to arm oneself with? A tongue works much better in my experience.”
    “A truncheon works best for ending unpleasant conversations,” replied the Thief. “Though I tend to avoid people and their conversations as much as possible. Violence is always the result of a failure of preparation. You can't hurt what you cannot see.”
    “You can become invisible? I didn’t realize that you were a magician,” said Cassilda.
    “I know how to blend in with the darkness, how to find an alcove in an instant, how to walk down a street as just another shadow. There's a certain amount of magic about it, yes, though I’ve never asked any wizard for an explanation. It's not about casting spells or performing arcane rituals. If I do not wish to be seen, then no one will see me. There's no method to be taught. There was only the dank darkness of the Labyrinth and the gift of a monster. The mark...” He stopped himself, realizing that he had just spoken of more than he’d intended. The sorceress didn't need to know of his secrets, yet here he was, speaking like Dazbog, revealing things that should not be discussed. 
    “Don’t worry, Thief. You have revealed very little.” Cassilda turned and touched his shoulder, flashing her eyes, lips set in a pout. He was captivated by her beauty, manufactured though it was; even if his feet were not compelled by magic, he knew he would have followed her. His eyes consumed her face, her neck, and the subtle curves of her figure with a rashness he didn’t attempt to hide.
    “You are very easy to read for a master of disguise,” said Cassilda, removing her hand. “Here we are. Beyond this door is a hallway that leads to the bailey, which we will cross to get to the atrium, where we will find the gentry of court retiring. Please leave everything to me, Mr. Thief, for your services are not yet required. Play that lute, I guess. What will we call you? I know you thieving folk like to use aliases, but Mr. Thief is a little too crass, don't you think?”
    “Smith,” said the Thief, shrugging his shoulders.
    “Blacksmith? Silversmith? Arrowsmith? What kind of smith? You're supposed to be a troubadour, not a beater of metal. There was a poet by the name of Robert Zimmers who played the lute at a tavern in my youth. You look like him somewhat. Zimmers it is. Onward, sir,” said Cassilda.
    They quickly crossed the small courtyard and entered the atrium, a large rectangular room with an open ceiling to reveal the stars and a pool in the center to collect rainwater. On long, low benches the gentry and minor nobles reclined, with courtesans and other service people standing around them, some offering bottles of wine, others whispering in ears. Incense burned in an urn; the air was filled with a saccharine smell, thick and sickly-sweet. Brightly-dressed people flittered about, exchanging hands, moving ruffled sleeves into pockets, removing hats and plucking peacock feathers from the glittering gowns of the courtesans, who smiled and held out their hands. The Thief passed a mummer wearing a beaked mask, his arms moving in wide circles, crow feathers flying from his black coat. Across the pool a lady let a fat man in an ill-fitting tunic drool over her neckline like a ravenous beast, his greedy lips making porcine sounds. An ape with a chain around its neck leaned in a corner, oblivious to the crowd, slowly pawing at the floor with feeble gestures. Cassilda weaved through it all and steered the Thief towards a gentleman sitting by the edge of the pool, his swollen feet submerged in the water, his face lined with pox marks and a drooping mustache. She curtseyed, extending a gloved hand, her smile ingratiating, a wide, inviting line of whiteness and courtesy.
    “My lord Dempsey, it is a pleasure to see you again,” said Cassilda. “How are you feeling this evening?”
    “Absolutely terrible, just terrible. This damnable inflammation is unbearable. Praise Rankar that they heat these pools. Otherwise, I don't think I'd be able to move.” Lord Dempsey adjusted his feet, both of which were fat and deformed at the joint of the big toe. “Worst of all, no one is paying any attention to me. The ladies flock to younger, more agile men. I am not that old, you know, it is only the gout which robs me of my strength. Furthermore, I am richer than any man in this room. I feel insulted.” Lord Dempsey sighed, his red striped tunic deflating.
    “I'm afraid that is all my fault,” explained Cassilda. “They know that you are my favorite.”
    “Indeed,” said Dempsey, examining Cassilda. “Though I have not seen you much of late.”
    “Forgive me, my lord, I have been rather busy with trifling matters. I have something planned for us tonight. This gentleman here is Robert Zimmers, the famous singing poet of Zanj whose songs are sung in taverns across Pannotia. He is an excellent storyteller, having captivated audiences with his tales of romance and history. His lute playing is simply divine. I thought he could accompany us on a tour, after which, of course, you and I will retire to private quarters for an intimate discussion between friends.”
    “Zimmers, I believe I have heard of you,” said Dempsey. “Wrote some song about the times and how they are changing. The men of Zanj are usually more ebony-skinned than copper-colored, though. What is this about a tour? Cassilda, you know I cannot stand on my feet for long in my condition.”
    “The poet was wondering if he could perhaps see the Pyramid of Arat...”
    “The Pyramid? Why does he wish to see it?” asked Dempsey, suspicious.
    “He has traveled far and wide, and seen many great wonders, from the flying zeppelins of Vaalbara to the healing waters of the Selt Sea. Yet the temple of Rankar and its precious relic, the last piece of the elder god, why, what could compare to the pride of the Capetian dynasty? They say it granted mankind awareness of our own existence. The Pallas Emperor touched it with his own hands! Who would not wish to see such a holy thing?” asked Cassilda. The Thief watched her eyes as she spoke and noticed that they glittered with green flame.
    “You know no one is allow to see the Heart,” whispered Dempsey. “Frankly, you should not be speaking so freely of such matters. To do so is forbidden, and if a priest were to hear you, your life would be forfeit. These are troubling times, Cassilda. They say tensions with Galvania are increasing. There may be spies about.”
    “Things are always tense with Galvania. They have been for ages. Have you ever met a Galvanian, my lord? They are a most carefree and amiable people. Why, one of the couriers, a most respected man, has a Galvanian wife. Sometimes I wonder if it is all a ruse by the nobility to keep us commoners civil.” Cassilda sat down next to Dempsey, crossing her legs. “My lord, there is no danger in showing us the Pyramid. I would most appreciate it and would reciprocate the favor in a way of your choosing.”
    “You are being crass, Cassilda,” said Dempsey, though he displayed a pained smile. “I'm not sure my brother would tolerate it.”
    “Your brother, the High Priest? Why, you are family. And besides, you are a very important man at court. Do you think the guards would deny the Duke's Standard Bearer from seeing the temple?”
    “My military days are over, though I still hold the title,” said Dempsey with obvious pride. “Fine. You have convinced me, my dear. Please fetch me my cane. I will take you and your foreign friend to see the Pyramid, though the Heart is out of the question. I've never seen it myself, you understand.”
    “Splendid!” said Cassilda, handing Dempsey his cane. The Thief said nothing but followed.


     She watched out the carriage window as they climbed, seeing the gilded towers, the throngs of gilded people as they marched upward on the never-ending steps, on pilgrimage for themselves, noblemen, merchants, priests, thieves. The fortifications gave way to the splendor of the palace, which spread itself up the mountainside, the power and wealth of the Capetians on full display. Only they could have built their house on the great Capanne Mons with their plundered fortune, stolen from nations at sea, built with the bones and blood of a thousand kings. She had swum in their seas long ago; she knew the calls of ocean birds; she always had the smell of salt in her lungs. She had watched as the man she loved was torn from her grasp and thrown overboard while the waters churned and the sky flashed bruised colors, aubergine and crimson. There seemed to be a storm brewing on the horizon, back towards the ocean, a mighty tempest that she could feel, even up here, thousands of feet above the waves. Some things you could never forget. The fat lord prattled on, speaking to the supposed master thief about dockside whores. The reason none of the girls would go near him was because he had syphilis. Only the rich, nobles, and priests get ahead she thought, looking at the climbers. The Thief listened patiently, absorbing Dempsey's foolish words. He hadn't given any sign that he remembered anything; frankly, she thought him something of a dullard, a petty thug rather than the romantic swashbuckler Dazbog had described. All things have their uses. A great mollossus pulled their carriage, using its stunted wings to ascend the steep path, its shaggy head lolling from side to side, seeing the world through compound eyes. Not a day went by that she didn’t think of the ship. Do I live only for my vengeance? Maybe she would ask a priest at the temple to tell her. But it is forbidden to speak to the holy ones. She had no respect for them, shaved walking skeletons wearing elaborate robes of red-dyed silk, suffering for their god, giving themselves in the fervent belief that their hunger would feed his quivering heart and prolong the Time of Man. She had always hated priests, having never met one that was not a hypocrite. Believe they said, offering the Heart as evidence of Rankar's glory, of the beauty and love of the Creator, the Sufferer, the One who gave all His children the hope of reincarnation, the endless quest for a better life. It is a lie she knew; Rankar didn't sacrifice himself to make Pannotia, it was formed from his suicide, his futile attempt to annihilate his self. No benevolent overlord would've allowed Ambierce to die, not in the manner that he expired: beaten, castrated, having watched his protege's rape, and then tossed into the depthless sea. What thoughts were in his head as he drowned, staring up through the darkness, wondering if she still lived? Did he have any hope? Did he trust in God, the same god that watched his death with heartless abandon? She would never know, and that was why she could not forgive. She placed a hand on Dempsey's thigh, her face smiling, giving the gout-stricken lord a glimpse of her straight, white teeth. They were almost to the top. Just keep smiling a voice told her. It's not as though she had a choice in the matter.


     “My family has always served the temple, though my brother is the first High Priest of our line. That fresco there was painted in my great-great-great grandfather's time, a mere decade before the Galvanian occupation,” said Dempsey as they walked through the flame-lit corridors of the outer temple. “A period of much strife and sorrow. It depicts the bequeathal of the Heart, the transfer of authority from the heavens to mankind. You can see that the Pallas Emperor is painted with Capetian features: the aquiline nose, chestnut skin, slender build. There is a slight distortion of the colors, however, as though someone tried to erase our lord. The propaganda never ends, unfortunately, and even history pays its price.”
    “Why didn't you join the temple?” asked the Thief.
    “There must be a male heir to continue the family name,” said Dempsey. “Though I have produced nothing but bastards, my wife being a barren creature. Besides, I was never much of a spiritual person. I didn't want to fast. Chastity seemed like a perverse thing, if I must be honest. All that falling down on the knees, why, I don't think I could've made it.” The lord tapped one of his swollen feet with his cane. Ahead of them, priests passed in a hallway, their heads bowed, hands cupped together, feet padding softly on the worn stone, murmuring silent prayers. “I shan't take you much further,” continued Dempsey, giving the holy men a wary glance. “I really don't have the authority you assume of me, Cassilda. I was surprised they let us past the anteroom at this hour.”
    “You have no sense of adventure, my lord,” said Cassilda. “Can you not show us more?”
    “There is nothing more to see,” said Dempsey. “The Pyramid is a labyrinthine structure, with most of it closed off to all but the inner circle of the priesthood. Now, I think we should be going before they start to look for us...”
    “The Heart, my lord. You must take us to it,” said Cassilda, drawing close to Dempsey. The Thief saw something clutched in her hand, something that sparkled emerald in the coal-lit hall. Dempsey stared at her dumbly, his face contorted, showing signs of struggle. Her powers are failing realized the Thief as the lord's eyes settled into a dull stare. A sliver of drool formed at the right corner of his mouth; Cassilda whispered in his ear, speaking ancient words. As soon as she finished, the lord turned abruptly and began marching down the hallway, further into the temple. “Keep your distance,” said Cassilda, as they followed him. “I don’t know how long the spell will last. The enchantments of this place are strong. I expect you'll deal with any unpleasantness we may encounter?” asked Cassilda.
    “I'm not a hired thug. With that oaf lumbering in front of us, I don't know what I'm expected to do. Eventually he's going to run in to somebody, especially if he's taking us to the Heart,” said the Thief.
    “And what will you do then? Disappear into thin air? Utilize your thiefy powers of invisibility?” asked Cassilda, mockingly.
    “If I can. Seeing how my actions are directed, I may not have a choice.”
    “Oh, I always believe in choice, master thief. You are a puppet no longer. You are being steered in the right direction, I would say.”
    “Just like Dempsey,” said the Thief. Cassilda smiled and pointed ahead at Dempsey conversing with two priests.
    “What could he be saying to them, with his brain all befuddled?” asked the Thief.
    “Whatever it was, it must've worked,” replied Cassilda. “Though they're coming our way.”
    The Thief grabbed her, pulled her towards him, and placed his hands on her face, tilting her head downward. “Clasp your hands together,” he said, bowing his head. “Don't speak. Don't look at them.”
    “This seems like a rather stupid plan...”
    “Quiet.”
    The soft footsteps of the priests grew louder. You don't want to look thought the Thief. There is nothing here but two praying novices, steadfast in their devoutness, hands cupped, their minds blank slates. Nothing is out of the ordinary; you continue as you are. He could tell by Cassilda's breathing that she was relaxed, committed, trusting his judgment. Are you playing me, witch? he wondered. His feet were now his own; the spell that commanded them had worn off. Here was his last chance to abandon the heist. He needed simply to sidle towards the priests and follow them away from the sorceress and her sphere of influence. If she could brainwash Dempsey, she could brainwash me, he thought. Yet his instincts told him to continue, either because of professional pride or out of admiration for Cassilda. Probably a bit of both, he thought with a smile.
    The priests passed without a glance. Cassilda exhaled moments after they were gone, her eyes already moving down the hallway where Dempsey disappeared.
    “Not bad, courtesan. You do well under pressure,” said the Thief, following her as she ran after the vanished lord.
    “You do know some type of magic or weirding way, though you cast no spell,” replied Cassilda.
    “Not magic—just a manipulation of will, presence, and bodily suggestion,” said the Thief.
    “If you don't wish to reveal your secret, I understand. Let us turn here. I believe this is where he has gone.”
    The Thief heard the mountain's voice before he reached the end of the passageway. Muraled walls gave way to endless space; giant stone columns stood like petrified tree trunks, their ceiling having long ago eroded into nothingness. A great staircase rose, its steps nearly edgeless, the summit a long climb on hands and knees, the wind howling and threatening to send any ascendant to their demise. And there was Dempsey, already halfway up the steps, dragging his swollen feet, leaning heavily on his cane but still climbing, taking each step as though it might be his last. The Thief looked at Cassilda, whose eager eyes fixed on the enchanted lord. “Up,” she said, placing her feet on the staircase. The moonlight fell on her, bathing her skin, illuminating her slender form as she rose, nervous, afraid of the precipitous incline yet moving onward, upward, ever closer to the Heart. The Thief had known obsession before, witnessed it on the streets, felt it in the Labyrinth as he gazed into blackness, trying to will the ether to part, yet this witch, this fake courtesan, she reeked of desire such as he had never seen. What does she want the Heart for? Suddenly he realized that he had never asked her what she was planning to do with a piece of God. The green amulet appeared in his mind, and he saw himself trapped beneath its contours, and instantly he knew that Cassilda had bewitched him when she had appeared at his door. He was not a killer—even if he had knocked a ruffian over the bridge at Via Sacra, he hadn’t meant to do it—yet he considered seizing the witch and throwing her from the steps into the emptiness of the mountain air. She’s a woman, gentle thief said a voice. She was right above him, carefully placing her feet on the slippery stone. He moved his hand slowly, reaching towards a slippered foot, his fingers grasping the air. “Let's see where this goes,” he said, as she climbed out of reach. He could deal with the witch. He just had to stay ahead.
    They met at the summit, winded, bent over and clutching their knees. Ahead yawned an opening into the buried Pyramid of Arat, lit by tall beacons and guarded by two sentries dressed in golden mail, their helmets crested with the purple-red plumage of the bennu bird. Medjay thought the Thief; he could tell by the way they stood motionless like marble statues, their eyes hidden behind a thin slit, that they were of the Duke's elite troops. Conditioned from birth and raised on the far side of the mountain in the harsh Dash-Margot Desert, Medjay were feared for their unwavering loyalty and dispassionate thoroughness. They were rumored to be mutated through an arcane ritual originated by the magician-priests of the pharaohs, giving them a resistance to enchantment and physical prowess that bordered on superhuman. The ritual had side-effects; their faces were disfigured horribly while their skin developed a sensitivity to light that made unprotected exposure extremely painful. He had expected their presence, for though the Cult of Rankar operated independently from the Capetians, the royal family considered the Heart key to their sovereignty and worthy of their protection, despite its location in the inner temple of the mountain pyramid. And there goes Dempsey right towards them.
    The gout-stricken lord stopped a few feet away from the sentries, leaning on his cane. The Thief could hear his wheezing from a hundred feet away, as he and Cassilda slunk into the shadows. A plague on them both he thought, glancing at Cassilda as she watched Dempsey with plain eagerness. This will not go well.
    “I am Lord Horatio Reginald Dempsey, the twenty-second of my line, bearer of the Duke's standard and brother to the High Priest. I demand that you step aside, for I am to escort two guests to see the Heart of Rankar, the lifeblood of our great city, so that they may know the glory of our religion and the truth of our way. I will suffer no delays. This is a matter of great importance,” concluded Dempsey.
    “No one sees the Heart,” said the right sentry.
    “Not without the Duke or the High Priest in accompaniment,” responded the left.
    “I am the High Priest's kinsman! His elder brother, in fact! You know it could have been me who became the High Priest, but someone had to preserve the family name. Someone had to produce an heir!”
    The sentries remained unmoved by Dempsey's protestations, their spears barring the way into the inner temple. Their silence further infuriated the lord, who began wielding his cane menacingly, his face red, spittle flying from his lips.
    “Who do you think I am, some Galvanian spy? Who placed you nitwits in charge? I say, I will have your rank and privileges revoked and the both of you thrown into the Labyrinth for insubordination.”
    “We are Medjay,” said the right sentry.
    “Our titles are not for you to remove,” said the left.
    “Well that explains your insufferable attitudes! Medjay! That means you were born peasants. Deformed peasant lunatics are now giving noblemen orders! What hideous times!”
    “Can you sneak past them?” whispered Cassilda.
    “Not in plain sight,” replied the Thief.
    “You hid us from the priests in the hallway. Why can't you do that again?”
    “There are no shadows to play with here. Just two bright beacons and two sentries looking for my kind of scoundrel. Besides, Dempsey already mentioned us.”
    “So the lighting matters? What are you, an actor of the theater? You were hired to steal the Heart, master thief. If your powers of stealth are not as formidable as billed, what exactly do you suggest we do?” said Cassilda, her mouth curling into a frown.
    “This isn't my usual policy, especially with women,” said the Thief, looking her in the eyes, “but I suggest you tell me the truth, for one.”
    “The truth, Mr. Thief?” asked Cassilda.
    “You bewitched me just as you’ve bewitched Dempsey. That amulet on your neck holds a power strong enough to contend with the enchantments of this ancient temple, which is interesting, considering you’re not even licensed to practice magic. I accepted this job without even knowing what you want to do with the Heart, a violation of my usual policy of understanding my employer’s motivation. You’re using me, and I want answers before I go traipsing before two armed Medjay who could skewer my torso in the dark from fifty feet away.”
    “What powers of deduction you have! I am impressed,” said Cassilda.
    “Do you feel this?” asked the Thief, grabbing her arm and pulling her close. A knife emerged in his other hand and quickly moved towards her throat. “I suggest,” he said, gritting his teeth, the tip of the blade pressed against her skin, “that you start talking unless you wish to have your larynx removed.”
    “I thought violence was the mark of an amateur,” said Cassilda, seizing his hand. The Thief locked eyes with her, felt his anger dissipate like steam rising from boiling water. Her other hand touched his face, lingering on the scars, and he swore that he could feel the raised flesh recede at the soft caress of her fingertips.
    A loud bellow interrupted their conversation. Dempsey was being dragged away from the temple by one of the Medjay, who pulled him by arm with some difficulty, for the gout-stricken lord was thrashing about, swinging his cane at his attacker, who bore the lashes with no obvious signs of pain. The other guard watched dispassionately, his attention diverted, and the Thief saw a chance. Before he had even realized what he was doing, he had darted from the shadows and stalked towards the entrance, approaching the Medjay peripherally, his body hugging the wall. He can’t see me through that visor, thought the Thief as he slid through the doorway, inches from the oblivious guard. He heard Cassilda shout at the Medjay—unhand him, he’s drunk!—before he flew down the darkened corridor and entered the forbidden Pyramid of Arat, the ancient tomb of the pharaohs, where no man of his station had tread in eons, and where no thief had ever escaped with his life.

Next Chapter: The Temple

Friday, October 11, 2019

The Heart of the Thief: The Thief and the Wizard


The Thief and the Wizard

He moved through the shadows of the city, watching the beaten trod the streets, his form hidden, hooded, obscured. Crows perched on the crumbling stone of ancient walls reduced to knee-high rubble; he traced his hands along the pathways, fingers following the prints of time. Birds squawked and fluttered but did not leave, for they knew him well as he passed, a nondescript shape, a cloak stepping out of the alcoves and into the crowd. Such sprawl, such cramped confines—he witnessed lives being lived, suppers being cooked, blows exchanged, kisses and caresses and knives and the whole bloody mess—but he was just a silhouette, a breeze, the faintest rustle of fabric on the move. Over the stacked slums and tenement houses rose the smoke of the temple pyramid, nestled in Capanne Mons above the palace, where the Duke and his priests resided along with the noble families, their servants, and their guardsmen. Built into a mountain side, the palace towered over the people in their squalor. He leaned against a lamp post and let an oxen-pulled cart pass, admiring the great beasts with spiraling horns. A pickpocket tried to get close to him, but he glided again into the shadows, letting the evening blanket his passage, his destination ahead, the ruined tower of a ruined wizard. In the street before him three boys beat a small dog with sticks, joyful curses flying from their lips as the pup cowered and whimpered under the blows. It was no special occurrence—the boys were likely beaten often themselves and so looked for something weaker to abuse—yet he couldn't pass, not this time. He cuffed the largest boy, sending him to his knees, coming out of the darkness tall and heavy, a looming creature spreading wings of doom. The boys saw the scars, the brand on his hand, and knew him to be the Thief. Terror manifested on their dirty moonfaces; eyes widened, shouts were born and then died suddenly in their throats. He pointed a finger at an alleyway, and they dropped their sticks and scattered, vagabonds, orphans, cowards. They were children of Capetia, motherless urchins, destined to grow into feeble men who raped and plundered each other, blind to their cannibal madness, lashing out at their own progeny, who would in turn repeat the curse. The pup lay bruised and battered at his feet. He took it by its nape and went to see the wizard.
    The tower was all that was left of an old castle belonging to the Pallas Emperor, the mighty conqueror who came from the sea four-hundred years ago and bequeathed the Dukedom of Massalia to the remnants of the Pharaoh’s dynasty. There was once a great house built around the tower, but it burned down in a conflagration, leaving only solitary stone. The Thief did not know how the wizard had come to own it; he didn't care, being uninterested in much besides his art, women, and vintage wine. It was a crooked structure, leaning to the west, its thatched roof built hastily to replace a rampart that had been destroyed in an ancient war. He stepped up to the thick wooden door and beat the twisted iron knocker four times, then let himself in. The stairs wound upward, hugging the walls, and he began a long climb, stepping carefully, hands once again tracing worn stone. It was impossible to know how many feet had climbed these steps; they were edgeless, slippery, dangerous. How the wizard managed them he couldn't understand, but that was the way of wizards, Dazbog being no exception. Eventually he reached the top and stood before the door, observing green smoke oozing out from beneath, the smells of onion, garlic, and blood tingling his nostrils. The pup, silent all this time, whined. Again he rapped the knocker, beating it four times. He entered.
    From whence the smoke had come he did not know, for he saw just a dimly lit room with a lantern swinging from the ceiling. Books were stacked against the walls in half-hazard piles, volumes of long-forgotten lore; optical equipment, strange plants, and pagan figurines rested on a lengthy work bench. A painting caught his eye—he had stolen it, after all—a portrait of a smiling faun, its teeth large and uneven, lips bruised red, a peculiar gleam in its eyes, a certain mischievous evil telling of sins that whispered to the Thief. Suddenly a voice spoke, a raspy croak full of dust and embers. The Thief turned and saw the wizard standing near the window. He was tall but hunched, dressed in a dingy old robe of burlap, one bony arm grasping a broom for support, his great bulbous nose red, beard filthy, stained, and stinking of wine.
    “What did you say?” asked the Thief, finding a chair. He did not like to stand around the wizard, for the old man came too close, spreading his reek and spittle.
    “He says you'll lose that hand,” said the wizard.
    “Which one?” asked the Thief.
    “The one that has stolen the most, of course. Why did you bring that creature in here? I don't eat dog, thief. I am no savage. Believe it or not, I once dined daily on venison and suckling pig. Give him here, all the same.”
    “The painting speaks to you?” asked the Thief, still clutching the pup.
    “Why of course it does, my slinking friend. That is Prax, one of the heretical Seven, a God of the forest and lord of debauchery, the patron of the lost, drunk, and misinformed, a true seer, they say, of what really lies within the so-called soul. Somewhere in my library I have a volume dedicated to his cult, which has, sadly, died out in all but the most remote places. There were certain heathen festivals coinciding with the harvest, involving violent, sexual rituals, all done in Prax's name. Even a man of your relative uncouthness can see how the holy men of Rankar’s Cult would not tolerate such discord. An unknown artist did this most excellent portrait. He sees right through you, doesn't he? That's because there's nothing inside that skull, thief. You are a false construction as I am a false construction. We do as we must. We cannot choose to make a choice. Do you understand me?”
    “I never do,” said the Thief, reaching out towards the work bench where a bottle of wine rested. He ignored the wizard's frown as he uncorked the bottle and put it to his lips.
    “It is my curse to be misunderstood or ignored,” said the wizard. “Consider my expulsion from the Academia and the ruin of my bright career. I should be at court, you know, whispering truths into the Duke's ear. He is surrounded by optimists, men who lie because it is easy, men who tell him what he wants to hear. They look at the fractured horizon and say tomorrow will come, that invisible blood still beats in the last piece of our dead god. We linger and fade, my friend. The glories of yesteryear have past. This is the twilight of Pannotia, and soon our misery shall cease.”
    “I could live without more misery,” said the Thief.
    The wizard smiled ruefully. He picked up a carved statue from his table. It depicted a desiccated man with limbs like fleshless bones and empty hollows for eyes.
    “Indeed, the Lilu feel nothing, for sentience has been taken from them, tied as it is to an organ of God. You know the real story, do you not? These days, religion is a privilege that only the wealthy can afford, but the Cult still manages to churn out its propaganda that God sacrificed Himself for the good of creation. Rankar, the great creator, could not live with his consciousness, the terrible weight of being, and so desired death. This is apocryphal, Thief, so of course it is true. Immortal and therefore unable to bring about his demise, Rankar divided himself, creating the universe; yet the will to die was preserved in all living things. We are always fighting the drive towards death, even when it will bring us peace. Such is the central paradox of life.” The wizard pivoted on his broom, looking out at the city, which glowed and simmered with thousands of scattered lights. “Man pretends not to see, Thief. He is miserable, suffering, a brute unaware of the strings which pull him to and fro, making him dance. Here, give me that bottle before you drink all of it.”
    The Thief shrugged and handed him the bottle. The pup shivered weakly in his grasp, its eyes swollen shut. The wizard, of course, had a job for him; wizards, however, were never straight to the point, possessing a love for the sound of their own voices. Thankfully, patience was one of his few virtues.
    “I have a task for you, a grand heist worthy of your skill. I want you to steal the Heart from the Pyramid of Arat, the last remnant of Rankar.” The wizard paused but did not turn towards him. “What say you? Can you do this?”
    “Do you wish me to kidnap the Duke as well? What about the royal consort? Surely each will bring a handsome ransom.” His scarred face smiled, then turned to a frown. “What do you want with it? And what could you give me in payment to perform such an impossible task?”
    “The Galvanians want it, not I. They will pay us a fortune, for they have always desired the pride of the Capetian dynasty. Having the Heart will grant them legitimacy when they take this city and deliver us from the tyranny of the Duke and his nobles. But you don't care for politics, do you, Thief? Here is an advance, a small portion of the gold that awaits. Five-hundred sovereigns. You are to meet a courtesan who calls herself Cassilda. She will reveal the rest of the plan.”
    The wizard tossed a pouch at the Thief's feet, but he made no move to take it. On the wall the faun stared, his grin growing wider, teeth crooked mountains.
    “Blasphemy, treason, the ire of an entire city. You’ve never been in the Labyrinth, wizard. I had to eat rats while listening to the screams of the dead. I can't imagine what tortures await the man who attempts to steal the Heart.” He bent down and took the pouch, opened it, counted the coins, thought of his rent, wine, and Guinevere the prostitute. Five-hundred sovereigns was enough to live quite comfortably for a good while, yet money wasn't worth much when you were not around to spend it. He was, however, the Thief, not a thief, an artist, a true professional, and the wizard, despite being cantankerous and somewhat mad, was also a credible source and true to his word. A reputation was built on performing the impossible.
    “Where do I meet this Cassilda?” he asked.
    “At court, of course. You will not go dressed in your slinking clothes, however. You will wear this,” the wizard held up a green and yellow-striped tunic, “and carry that,” he said, pointing towards a lute lying against the window sill.
    “A minstrel? But you know I can't sing, nor can I play the lute. And have you ever seen a minstrel with a thief's brand? Or scars on his face?” The Thief touched his hand, feeling the raised flesh, remembering the pain and the hours spent clutching the wound, the darkness his only constant companion.
    “You forget that I am a wizard, oh prowling menace. I will give you a balm to cover your marks, a potion to improve your voice, and this lute, which just so happens to be a magic lute, upon which you can play no wrong note.” The wizard smiled, his denture yellow and incomplete.     “That ego of yours, residing in your imaginary self, prompts you to do as I ask. You are a slave to it, an automaton guided by internal impulses, invisible processes of which you are not aware.”
    “Save the philosophizing,” said the Thief. “I hear enough of it from various sources.”
    “Unless you have elevated your company, I doubt that the gutter riff-raft have much to say beyond voicing their complaints. To whom else beside myself would you turn for stimulating conversation, my terse friend? Were it not for me, you would be blind to the essential horror of your existence. Rankar knows you wouldn't ponder the nature of your being on your own initiative. You are a man built for a single purpose if I have ever met one, Thief.”
    “How do you know this courtesan?” asked the Thief. “She can be trusted?”
    “What a fool you must think me to be. I am most assured of her loyalties. Believe it or not, I have dealt in these schemes before. Dazbog is no mere conjurer of petty tricks. Cassilda is, shall we say, disgruntled. Her life has not proceeded as planned. The poor creature does not realize what little control she has.”
    “That's all you speak of. Control, or the lack thereof.” The Thief got up from his chair and stood by the window, looking out over Capetia. He didn't think much of it, for it had never been very kind to him. The pup snuggled into the crook of his arm, sleeping. What was he doing with this animal? He should have let the boys beat it to death. Just another hungry mouth to feed, a burden on its owner. An old weakness had surfaced, one that he thought was buried. He had always possessed a fondness for parasites.
    “You should toss that creature out the window,” said the wizard suddenly, his mouth twitching, great eyebrows arched. For a second it looked as though the Thief might do as he suggested. He took the pup by its nape, dangled it out in the nothingness, let it hang there, watching to see if it reacted, to observe if it sensed its own doom. The swollen eyes did not open; the pup just continued its ragged breathing, lost in a netherworld, unaware of its circumstances. Poor thing doesn't even know it can die, thought the Thief, pulling the animal back towards him. The wizard looked satisfied as though he had learned something. He put the tunic, lute, and balm into a burlap sack, tied it together, and handed it to the Thief.
    “Go to Cassilda tomorrow night at the twentieth hour and wait by the porter's entrance near the westward tower on Ablemarle. There will be a guard, a drunkard named Bernard. Give him a bottle of cheap port. He is used to being bribed if you act as though nothing is out of the ordinary. You have such a way with people, my friend. Utilize your natural charm.” The wizard turned towards his instruments, bony hands working feverishly. The faun glowered at the Thief, letting him know that he was dismissed. Down the steps he went, wordless, his parley with the wizard having ended as abruptly as usual. I am an instrument, he thought to himself. Such is the natural order of things.

 

    On the steps of his building an old man lay stretched out, a wineskin in between his legs, his hands supinated, eyes swimming in murky pools. A ragged change purse sat beside him, disemboweled. A red ooze trickled from his mouth; whiskers sprouted from his chin, gnarled, twisted things of grey. He had been sleeping for a long time, undisturbed by the urchins and rats that prowled the street, just another fixture, a perverse statue, a tribute to the debauchery and weakness of men. The Thief roused him with a gentle kick; the old man awoke suddenly, lurching forward, mumbling curses.
    “What do you want?” he asked, looking up at the Thief. “I was having a very nice dream.”
    “What do the dead dream of?” asked the Thief.
    “The same things all men do. Virgins, drink, and a warm hearth. I've never been able to obtain all at the same time.”
    “You've never owned a thing in your life, old man,” said the Thief. “I brought something for you.”
    “An offering? I was an oracle once. You know that, right?”
    “Only women are oracles. Will you care for this beast?” The Thief placed the pup in lap of the old man.
    “I cannot care for this,” said the drunk.
    “You can beg for two. When it is older, it will keep the rats and urchins away. A dog is warmth in the winter.” He stepped around the old man, opening the door.
    “I will give you your fortune, though you burden me with an unwanted gift,” said the old man. “Nothing will go right for you. One cannot survive on luck alone. Be wary of your friends. You have none.”
    “So nothing will change,” said the Thief, entering the building.
    “Don't be so sure,” replied the drunk.    
    He went up the stairs, passing a girl sitting on the steps. She made eyes at the Thief, large green eyes that fluttered like the wings of a fly, but he didn't see them, preferring prostitutes to skinny peasant girls who desired husbands to fill their bellies and beat them only occasionally. Never had he wanted the demands of a family, though not for religious reasons like the Anti-Natalists. Just the other day he had passed one of their lot down by Market Street, a wretched creature holding a sign, the desiccated remains of his genitals dangling from his neck like dried carrion. To deprive oneself of one of the chief pleasures of life—he could not imagine it. Sometimes he thought that he was the only person in Pannotia who enjoyed himself. Existence was a matter of perspective. In the Labyrinth, he had thought only of survival and liberation rather than pain and isolation, and such thoughts had prompted him to find a way, to do what could not be done, to escape. The mark on his hand was that of a dead man's. He looked at it as he produced the key to his apartment. A jagged X, serrated, rough at the raised edges of the scar. There were scars covering his back, his chest, his legs. They scarred you until there wasn't an unmarked spot of flesh on your body. He turned the key and walked inside.
    It was a plain space, just one room with a mattress in the corner, a window above it. A small shelf rested against one wall, its contents a skull and several volumes on miscellaneous subjects. He hadn't read them, not completely, though he would take a book down from time to time and thumb through it. A black leather case full of lock picks sat below the shelf, a gift from a well-meaning friend. The crowbar that leaned against the case was more frequently utilized, his large hands suited better for prying and battering than subtle maneuverings, though the women never complained. He went to the mattress and lay down, not taking off his cloak, his eyes fixated on the cracks in the ceiling, the spiraling shapes flowing with a river's mad sense of direction. Events settled in his mind and sat, fermenting, growing like mold. A great weariness threatened to seize him, to take the Thief and wrestle his spirit away, leaving only a tired, spent creature with no desire to do anything but sleep and drink. That was how it had been a week ago. He had come home after casing a joint and simply collapsed on the bed, his hands finding a bottle, and the rest was a blur, a whole day lost. He moaned in his sleep, they said, murmured terrible things, unpronounceable names of monsters. The Thief didn't know why they spread rumors. He could never recall his dreams.


    There she was. A woman with chestnut hair and emerald eyes, long-limbed and lean, her form hidden by a cloak, though he knew her body, he could see her movements in utter darkness as though she were an extension of him. She walked beneath the earth, creeping down the throat of the world, the only beacon a faint light glittering like a star eons away. Do you have it? He couldn't see it in her hands; she didn't answer. The coldness of the earth was changing. Hot breath funneled through the tunnel, the warm exhalations of a colossal creature, something unimaginably old and beyond understanding. Did she eat it? Have we eaten it? Suddenly he knew, saw her leaning over a fire with dripping jaws and trembling hands. We made love and basked in our glory and that is why I followed her. He would always follow her. He could do nothing else.


    He awoke to the sound of someone gently knocking on his door. Have they come for me at last? From beneath his pillow, he took his knife and unsheathed the blade. It was a long drop from the window above, and he might sprain an ankle or even break a leg. Had the knocking been more violent, he would have risked it, but the tentative tapping was too polite to belong to a policeman. It was dark in the room, which worked to his advantage. He crept to the door and peered out the keyhole. A pair of shapely legs in dark stockings stood before his door. Rising, he unbolted the latch and opened the door a crack.
    A woman with brilliant green eyes and reddish-brown hair stared at him with a slight smile on the corners of her delicate mouth. She was quite striking, the Thief thought, her cheekbones high, her nose proud and elegant as though it had only sensed perfume and the aroma of apricots. She wore a black jerkin halfway unlaced which revealed much of her neckline. Slim, gloved hands reached out with palms outward in a gesture of supplication. Without hearing her speak, he opened the door.
    “I am Cassilda. I’d like to have a word with you, if possible.” Her voice was throaty, full of deep melodies and an undercurrent of angst.
    “Come inside,” he said, opening the door wider.
    “Into that portal of darkness with a man of your repute? You will have to excuse me, sir. I will require a bit more illumination than what you are offering.”
    The Thief chuckled to himself and placed his hand in his pocket to remove a match, but a sudden brightness stopped him, and as he turned, he found his small apartment lit with a pale green light which hovered in the center of the ceiling like a will-o’-the-wisp.
    “That’s better,” she said, moving past him to sit in his only chair.
    “You’re a witch,” he said, closing the door behind him.
    “I am a sorceress. A witch lives in the woods and cures gout with boiled frog legs and provides remedies for sour milk to bucktoothed peasants. Witches also sometimes eat lost children and are quite repulsive to look at. Am I repulsive to your eyes?”
    The Thief didn’t provide an answer, feeling that none was required.
    “I would appreciate if you wouldn’t go telling anyone that I am a sorceress, however, since sorceresses are forbidden to practice magic, having no license to do so. Dazbog, our mutual employer, is also not aware of my talents. I understand that you have worked with him before?”
    “More than once,” said the Thief. There was something off, he decided, about her beauty, though he could not say what it was.
    “Do you harbor any especial loyalty to our aforementioned wizard?” asked Cassilda, batting her eyelashes.
    “I don’t burn bridges unless I have to, though friends are rare in my profession,” admitted the Thief.
    “I understand the sentiment. I was hoping, however, that I could persuade you to go into business with myself. How much has he promised you?”
    “Six-hundred sovereigns, with a bonus awarded after the job is finished.”
    “Here’s seven-fifty,” she threw a purse at him, “with an additional seven-fifty waiting for you after the Heart of Rankar is in my possession.”
    The Thief looked hard at her beautiful face. The perfect symmetry, the intensity of her eyes, the nose that could have been carved by a sculptor. She is the artist he realized suddenly. Only magic could make a face so impeccable, so excellently designed to captivate the perceiver.
    “Earn the enmity of a wizard and the favor of a sorceress. I’m not sure that’s an even exchange. Why do you even need me? Surely your magic is powerful if you can conjure light out of nothingness and alter your appearance.”
    Cassilda stared at him with surprise for a moment before her face settled back into a charming smile. I played that card well, thought the Thief.
    “My magic is powerful, thief, and do not forget that fact. Yet magic cannot solve every problem. No spell can be cast within the buried pyramid due to the enchantments and expertise of the Priesthood. The skills of a master thief are required to take the Heart, and your reputation precedes you.”
    “What if I say no? What if I don’t trust you? If you are willing to betray Dazbog, then you are willing to betray me.”
    Cassilda’s smile grew wider, and the Thief thought she looked like a tigress baring her teeth.
    “Let me tell you something about that wizard,” said the sorceress, green eyes aflame. “He was kicked out of the Academia for necromancy, so he became a Haliurunnae witch hunter and scoured the Dash-Margot Desert with the tribes, maiming and killing innocents, most of which were only guilty of being born beneath the wrong stars. He is a nihilist, a murderer, a schemer of evil. There is no betraying such a creature, for through his actions he has betrayed mankind and thus abdicated the rights of a man.”
    “What does a thief like me care about such arguments? I am a criminal, and you are a criminal, and Dazbog is a criminal. It is hypocrisy for us to criticize the moral failings of one another. What concerns me, sorceress, is that you wouldn’t have made this offer without knowing that I’d accept, which means you have something besides a heavy purse to tempt me in dishonor. Before you scoff and recite the common adage, let me respond by saying that there is, in fact, honor among thieves, and it is known throughout Capetia, especially in the Row, where I must fence my goods. My reputation, as you said, precedes me, and that reputation is more valuable than fifteen-thousand sovereigns. I might live fat off such a payment, yet that sum is scarcely enough to afford a villa in Beaune with a vineyard, the only prize for which I might give up my art, for if I betray Dazbog, I may as well never show my face in Capetia again. What else do you have to offer me, Cassilda?”
    The Thief leered somewhat as he spoke. Shaking her head, Cassilda removed an amulet that she had worn hidden around her neck and held the green stone before the Thief’s eyes.
    “What’s that?” he asked.
    “It is a very old and very expensive periapt that I acquired through dubious means. It may be of Faerie make, though I lack the expertise to know that for certain. What I do know is that it is an invaluable tool that I have relied upon for many years. Let me show you how it works.”
    The Thief stared deeply into the emerald green of the amulet, so alike the eyes of the sorceress. Something glimmered in the stone, drawing him forward, and as he did so, he felt a slight pang as though someone had pricked his chest with a needle. Out of the depths of the periapt, his own face rose, staring back at him, trapped within the walls of the jewel. Suddenly, he was leaning against the wall, blinking, staring with confusion at Cassilda, who sat calmly in his chair.
    “I’m glad we have come to an arrangement. I understand Dazbog has left you a crudely-drawn map of the temple within the pyramid. Any tools that you may require, I suggest you hide them in your lute. We will proceed with the wizard’s plan, with only the discussed deviation. Thank you for your hospitality, but I’m afraid it is rather late, and I must be going. I will see you tomorrow,” said the sorceress, rising from her chair.
    “What arrangement?” asked the Thief, still trying to shake the fog out of his mind.
    “You are to steal the Heart of Rankar for me in exchange for the considerable sum of fifteen-hundred sovereigns. That’s what we agreed to, remember?”
    “Yes… yes, of course,” said the Thief. He remembered now. The sorceress was beautiful and intelligent, possessing the wisdom of a thousand scholars.
    “Goodbye,” she said, shutting the door. The Thief found himself alone in a darkened room. He staggered off to bed and fell asleep almost as soon as his head touched the pillow.

New Novel: The Heart of the Thief

Not fanfic, but one of the inspirations.

I am releasing my novel The Heart of the Thief on Pointless Venture, chapter by chapter. Eventually, I'll format a Kindle version to download, but for now, I'll just release a chapter every couple of days. This project took me over three years to complete, as it was quite a challenge for me to write a fantasy novel. Rather than go through the whole publishing process, I've decided to release it through the blog because I really hate querying literary agents. Below is the pitch and following that the first chapter.

Deep in the buried Pyramid of Arat lies the Heart, the last living piece of a dead god, its every beat pumping with the lifeblood of the human race. It is this precious relic the man known only as the Thief must steal for the disgraced necromancer Dazbog, who wishes to use the Heart to destroy the sentience of mankind. When an outlaw sorceress named Cassilda ensnares him in a hopeless quest for revenge, the Thief finds himself and the Heart on an epic journey across the land of Ur through enchanted forests, pirate-infested seas, and war-torn countries. Their ultimate destination: the Shimmering Isles, the Land of the Dead, where God Himself is said to have fallen. Will the sorceress be able to use the Heart to obtain the power she desires? Or will all of Pannotia fall into darkness and despair?

Pannotia: A continent divided between the magical lands of Ur, where the Conventum of Wizards advises dukes and barons, and the northern country of Vaalbara, ruled by the industrial might of the Social Republic. Ur is trapped in the medieval ways of the past, while Vaalbara progresses with technological marvels such as zeppelins and steamships. A development that no one could have foreseen will soon drive them to conflict, and the separation between these two societies will cease as the world is made anew.

The Heart of the Thief Table of Contents

The Thief and the Wizard

The Palace

The Temple 

The Pursuers 

An Unexpected Turn of Events

Josun of the Roslagen  

The Aiv and the Thief 

The Forming of a Company

The Aerodactyl 

On the Road 

A Shadow over Dunfermline 

The Sorceress Reminisces 

A Visit to a Brothel in Wine Country 

Arrested 

Making a Deal 

The Illusions of the Disillusioned 

The Death Dream of the Thief 

The Necromancer 

The Pursued Meet Their Pursuers 

The Shimmering Isles 

The Wizards Left Behind 

Into the Forest 

The End 

Wednesday, October 9, 2019

Writer's Block: Twilight



Light falls

In an empty room

A silence weighted

As dust is weighted

Particles and beams and dreams

That float through the spaces

In between.

Our bodies are quiet

Except for the mechanical noises

The rhythmic functioning of gears

Grinding away in bone cases.

I am meat in a dusty tray;

You are wrapped like a fish in paper;

We are motionless

Sleeping the death of a still room.

Do we whisper our prayers

Begging favors from phantoms of dusk

Giving the void our hope

Hoping it will not be swallowed

Like light in the darkness.

Goodnight

Goodnight

Goodnight.

Tuesday, October 8, 2019

Albums That Made Me: Purple Rain


I discovered Prince in college. One of the great things about college (university, actually; I went to four schools in total and every one was technically a university) is that one is exposed to different people, ideas, cultures, and situations, which is the main reason I believe that college students tend to be liberal politically. There's no great conspiracy, conservatives--liberalism is just a logical outlook when one is pushed out of their comfort zone. Prince definitely pushed me out of my comfort zone. I grew up in a small Indiana town, and although my politics shifted early on from fuck-everyone libertarianism to a liberal humanist outlook, I still harbored a few adolescent notions regarding gender and sexuality. As a teenager, I think Prince was "too gay" for me--teenage boys are incredibly insecure about everything--but I didn't really give a shit about such things as a young twenty-something. Prince was a fantastic personality, and Purple Rain is such a fantastic album, it's impossible not to like. From the hopped up Stonesy rocker Lets Go Crazy to the sparse funk of When Doves Cry to the power ballad to end all power ballads of eponymous track, Purple Rain is a rocking good time and pretty much demands to be listened to in its entirety. Prince is like a gateway drug to the eighties, a decade that I had initially rejected musically for being more diverse than the classic rock golden years of the sixties and seventies. Prince basically epitomized diversity: he was half black, half Italian, of dubious sexuality, and someone who clearly drew from the rock-guitar god legacy of Hendrix but who was more of a funky R&B star than a rocker at heart. Purple Rain helped to open my mind and get me out of my rock only mindset. Unlike some overplayed albums, I'll still listen to this one occasionally today.

Monday, October 7, 2019

Albums that Made Me: Bone Machine


Tom Waits is a national treasure, but he is not the most accessible artist. Sure, his first couple albums are easy to listen to if you like lounge jazz and pub rock (not the most popular genres nowadays), but starting with Swordfish Trombone, Waits decided to screw all that musing about alcohol and hookers from Minneapolis and get creative. For Waits, that meant embracing early blues, European folk, distorted microphones, and aural poetry. Bone Machine is his most cohesive album, sort of his Exile On Main Street, a tour through his influences, scattered with some real surprises. The first track The Earth Died Screaming, is built on apocalyptic imagery and percussion that sounds like it is being played with bones. Waits sounds like a demon throughout--his voice alternatively whispers elegies and screams with barroom thunder--and never before or since has he used his talents to such great effect. There are even pop songs scattered among the sonic experimentation--the ballad Who Are You and the punk folk of I Don't Want to Grow Up--along with the rare rocker like Going Out West. Bone Machine is as if Bob Dylan, Captain Beefheart, Howlin' Wolf, and Keith Richards all got together and wrote a bunch of songs. This album cemented my admiration of Waits and made him one of my favorite artists. I got to see him play in Louisville several years ago, and the experience was amazing, for Waits was every bit as good as he is on record. Sure, he had to ask the audience to give him lyrics for Tango Till They're Sore, but hey, who wouldn't forget the verses after writing that many songs?

Sunday, October 6, 2019

The Hillsdale Paranormal Society's Strategies for Enjoying the Farmers Fair


Alright bros and lady-folk, Gordy Weaver is going to talk about a subject very dear to his heart, and no, I'm not talking about Sasquatch subspecies, I'm referring to the Hillsdale farmers fair. For all you readers who didn't grow up in a hillbilly hellhole, the farmers fair is a grand rural tradition dating back to the seventeen-hundreds, when colonial Americans used to celebrate all the Indians they'd killed during the year by throwing a big hoedown and lighting a corn maze on fire. Also, whoever had the biggest pumpkin got to sleep with the mayor's daughter, and depending on the circumstances, that was a prize you sometimes didn't want. Anyways, the modern farmers fair has come a long way from such humble beginnings. Now you have to pay carnies ten dollars to ride a forty-year old Ferris wheel and pray to god that the thing holds together and that the methhead above you doesn't drip an entire can of natty light all over your good J-crew hat. I've put together a list of do's and do not's for all you jabronis so that your farmers fair experience is as free of misery and trace substances as possible.

Do numero uno: Bum tickets off leaving families. It's hard making money, and there's absolutely no reason to spend much of your hard-earned dough on overpriced tickets. If your kid wants to ride a roller coaster that looks like it was put together by drunken dwarves in a chop shop, well, then that's on you, that's your genetic legacy you're recklessly endangering. But hey, keep an eye out for people that bought way too many tickets. You'll be surprised how many jabronis pony up the big cash for silly shit like carousels and super-slides and then find out junior doesn't want to climb a forty-foot tower and rocket to his doom on a burlap sack oiled with WD-40 (true story). Just be discreet and mildly aggressive, but in a polite way. "You gonna use all them tickets, bro?" is an acceptable way to ask someone.

Don't numero uno: Feed the wildlife. There are three main types of people at the farmers fair: methheads, parolees, and hillbillies. All the skinny people will be the methheads. They're not too bad, but don't get too close. The parolees are the ones covered in neck tattoos. They are actually the nicest people, but I wouldn't leave your children with them, unless you don't want them back. The hillbillies are the common folk, the ones preparing to gorge themselves on elephant ears and walking tacos seemingly conjured up from a hobo's sick. None of the men will be wearing sleeves on their shirts, and the women are often unable to be discerned from the men. Nevertheless, try to interact with these three groups as little as possible. I'm not saying that I'm necessarily cut from a separate cloth; Gordy Weaver was born in the trailer park, and he lost his virginity in the back of a pickup truck with a deer spotlight shining down on him like the eye of god. But you don't want to go down my road, and I don't want to go down it no further. Class up, and don't get a tattoo of a dragon on your forehead, because nobody will know it's a dragon, and you might limit your choice of career.


You'll see a lot of people that look like this.

Do dos: Make it quick and snappy. If you're taking your kid, make sure the little tike gets to ride a few rides and then make like smokey and bandito your ass outta there. You can take the kid to the zoo if you want him or her to see animals--let the little beast live a while longer without realizing the degeneracy surrounding them. Also, the less time you spend there, the less time you'll spend wondering if you should move to a better school district, or at least to an area where people possess most of their teeth.

Don't dos: Eat any of the food. I know type-II diabetes is our national pastime, but really, folks, there's no reason to eat the garbage food at the farmers fair. The sweet shit will make you gain weight just looking at it, and the savory food isn't fit for my dog, and he's eaten condoms found in the park before. I ordered a fajita last year and it was basically expired meat with expired iceberg lettuce garnished on top, wrapped in an uncooked piece of bread, served by a man who has probably never washed his hands. I took one bite, threw up in my mouth a little bit, and then tossed that piece of shit in the garbage. What did I get for my eight dollars? Food poisoning, that's what.

Do tres: I can't think of anything else.

Don't tres: I mean, we kind of covered the big ones.

The farmers fair is a tradition that everyone should experience once, like getting robbed or hit over the head by a chair. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and I want to be strong as fuck, just like Mark Wahlberg, so I go to the farmers fair every year, even though I hate it. Stay classy, folks. Until next time.

Friday, October 4, 2019

Meet the Deplorables: Impeachment

Pointless Venture decided to check back with our good friends the deplorables to see if President Trump's recent conduct merited an impeachment inquiry, in their humble opinions. Let's see what these stable geniuses have to say!

 


Bret Adkins, 29 years old, formerly employed at Borg Warner, now works slave labor for one-eyed preacher with a lawn mowing business. Favorite hobby is still wacking it to big diesel engines.

Current whereabouts: Cutting the grass down to the sod in front of your local Subway.

What he thinks about impeachment: "I don't know what the hell Ukraine is. Sounds like something made up. Between Ancient Aliens and Infowars, I'm pretty solid at spotting fake news. All I know is that the Mexicans can work like dogs out in this heat. I'm all for sending them back before one-eyed Preacher Joe gets rid of his "no-Mexicans" policy and puts my ass back out on the street. Who else is going to send them back besides big D? You might as well carve a big Trump face on my back. It would look good next to that iron cross I had to put over the swastika."


Candice Lawrence, 38 year old housewife, favorite hobby is eating an entire stack of oreos while the children are sleeping that sweet, sweet sleep.

Current whereabouts: Yoga with new boyfriend Jared.

What she thinks about impeachment: "Well I'm certainly leaning that way. Ever since my husband left with his whore of a secretary, my eyes have been opened to existence of the patriarchy. I now stand in solidarity with all women. Sure, I was living the good life back in 2016 when I voted Republican, as I had been taught to do, but I didn't vote in the midterms and I really like that Pete Buttigieg, he is such a nice-looking young gay man. In the past I wouldn't have went out with a man like Jared, with his weak-chin, narrow shoulders, and lack of disposable income, but I've had all of that, and it ain't what it's cracked up to be, sister."



Anita Dooger, 44 years of age, employed at In His Holy Fire church. Favorite hobby is destroying her children's ability to reason for themselves.

Current whereabouts: Hauling trash to the church's fire pit to burn in a righteous rejection of global warming and local ordinances regarding pollution.

What she thinks of impeachment: "Oh dear, that sounds a bit drastic, doesn't it? We've never had a President that's supported the devout like President Trump. There's a picture of him right next to Jesus in my house, and I make all of my children bow before it when they enter the house. I know the Supreme Court will get rid of abortion and mini-skirts as soon as all the Democracts are eradicated in righteous fire. Our membership is dwindling, possibly due to the huge inflatable muscle-Jesus we have billowing in the front lawn, but the faithful must remain faithful, right?"



Bretfart1942, 25 years old, now working as a podcaster and youtube star making almost enough money to pay his mom rent.

Current whereabouts: Soundproof studio installed in mother's basement.

What he thinks of impeachment: "Let me ask you something: what has Joe Biden done? All this scrutiny around Trump, and I don't hear much about the crimes of the former Vice President. You've gotta unpack all the false media narratives to hear the real truth. Fact of the matter is, Trump is doing such a great job that the Dems can't handle it, so they're trying to oust a democratically elected President before 2020. Listen to my podcast for the truth, and don't forget to donate. My mother has some interesting ideas regarding independence. She doesn't understand the crushing forces of the feminists and social justice warriors, and how they can bring a young man down. For the lols!"

Monday, September 30, 2019

The Consummate Politican Apologizes


Folks, there's been a whole lot a noise made by the Democrats about Impeaching the President. As one of the best apologizers in all of politics, I have been nominated by my Party to officially apologize for the President, since he is incapable of doing so himself. My apology shall clear the President of all wrong doing, even though he did nothing wrong, and we can all forget about the President's brain worms and go back to taking this country for everything she's worth, as God intended. Really, I don't understand what's wrong with asking a foreign country to investigate your political opponent. Is there anything in the Constitution about that? I don't think so. Frankly, I just use the Constitution as a buzzword whenever Democrats talk about gun control, so there might be something in there for all I know, but who cares? What matters is that we support the President no matter what he does, because he is a Republican President and I'm a Republican, and that means that he is above the law and common decency, because he has the support of my voters, and how can I go against the wishes of my voters? This is a pretty sweet gig, you know. I get good healthcare and a nice salary, and a whole staff of people to wait on my every demand. Sure, I gotta lick Mitch's boots every once in a while, and sometimes I lose the lottery and have to bring him a child to consume, but hey, one has to pay one's dues, you know? There is no such thing as hypocrisy in politics, folks.

You know, instead of apologizing for the President, what I should be doing is looking into the atrocities committed by Joe Biden and his family. Whatever the Democrats are accusing Trump of, I guarantee Joe Biden is guilty of it, or Clinton. AOC has probably done it. Maybe even Nancy Pelosi. None of them has clean hands, and if a Democrat's hands are dirty, then that means the dirt between the small, sausage-like digits of Trump's nails isn't there. A wrong by the other side erases the wrong committed by our side. That's justice, that's fair and balanced, and that's the American way. You can quote me on that, folks.

The beauty of Trump's brave new world is that he's completely eradicated morality on the Right. Of course, we have to give credit to Newt Gingrich, Rush Limbaugh, and Fox News for doing the preliminary work, but Trump is the true master, the man who's taken the game to a whole new level. I don't really have to apologize anymore. I just do it because I love it. Partisans in my district will elect me to another term, and the only thing I really fear is a primary challenger. Democracy is dead, folks. Long live the rot of Western Civilization. Believe me when I say that a part of me is really, really sorry.

Friday, September 13, 2019

Albums That Made Me: Good Morning Spider


I don't remember how I first encountered Sparklehorse, though it was probably through allmusic.com or another internet site. I remember being put off by the name (one of my friends derisively called the band "Sparklepony") but there's a lot about Sparklehorse that's off-putting by design. Mark Linkous's modus operandi was writing pop songs and then fucking them up with lots of distortion and cheap keyboards. Take Chaos of the Galaxy/Happy Man: a great alt-rocker is more or less ruined by static simulating a radio station going in and out of range. Ghost of His Smile is another catchy tune coated in Linkous's signature sound. The whole album made me rethink presentation and quality. You don't need a three-thousand dollar keyboard to make great music; some of Linkous's favorite gear was stuff he found in the trash. Linkous committed suicide a couple years ago, which makes me very sad. He only released four albums, with the last one being a collaboration with Danger Mouse (is that guy still around?) and all are worth listening to, but Good Morning Spider is his best. All tracks are excellent, including the bizarre rocker Pig, the pop song Sick of Goodbyes, and the noise rock of Cruel Sun. My own approach to recording my vocals was influenced by Sparklehorse; like Linkous, I don't particularly like the sound of my voice, so I often distort my recordings. On my Soundcloud page, the song Cossacks probably owes the most to Sparklehorse, with its cheap drum beat and weird vocals. Some influences run deeper than appearances, however, for Sparklehorse is still one of my favorite artists.

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