Folks, there's been a whole lot a noise made by the Democrats about Impeaching the President. As one of the best apologizers in all of politics, I have been nominated by my Party to officially apologize for the President, since he is incapable of doing so himself. My apology shall clear the President of all wrong doing, even though he did nothing wrong, and we can all forget about the President's brain worms and go back to taking this country for everything she's worth, as God intended. Really, I don't understand what's wrong with asking a foreign country to investigate your political opponent. Is there anything in the Constitution about that? I don't think so. Frankly, I just use the Constitution as a buzzword whenever Democrats talk about gun control, so there might be something in there for all I know, but who cares? What matters is that we support the President no matter what he does, because he is a Republican President and I'm a Republican, and that means that he is above the law and common decency, because he has the support of my voters, and how can I go against the wishes of my voters? This is a pretty sweet gig, you know. I get good healthcare and a nice salary, and a whole staff of people to wait on my every demand. Sure, I gotta lick Mitch's boots every once in a while, and sometimes I lose the lottery and have to bring him a child to consume, but hey, one has to pay one's dues, you know? There is no such thing as hypocrisy in politics, folks.
You know, instead of apologizing for the President, what I should be doing is looking into the atrocities committed by Joe Biden and his family. Whatever the Democrats are accusing Trump of, I guarantee Joe Biden is guilty of it, or Clinton. AOC has probably done it. Maybe even Nancy Pelosi. None of them has clean hands, and if a Democrat's hands are dirty, then that means the dirt between the small, sausage-like digits of Trump's nails isn't there. A wrong by the other side erases the wrong committed by our side. That's justice, that's fair and balanced, and that's the American way. You can quote me on that, folks.
The beauty of Trump's brave new world is that he's completely eradicated morality on the Right. Of course, we have to give credit to Newt Gingrich, Rush Limbaugh, and Fox News for doing the preliminary work, but Trump is the true master, the man who's taken the game to a whole new level. I don't really have to apologize anymore. I just do it because I love it. Partisans in my district will elect me to another term, and the only thing I really fear is a primary challenger. Democracy is dead, folks. Long live the rot of Western Civilization. Believe me when I say that a part of me is really, really sorry.
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