Sometime you might find yourself at a gas station when all of a sudden the urge to violently shit your pants hits you with the force of an Aqua Net propelled potato blasted from a homemade PVC launcher. You gotta poop, and you gotta poop bad, and by god, if you don't get to a bathroom, you just might shit your pants. This is a predicament that no grown adult wants to find themselves in. When (not if) this happens to you, Pointless Venture has your back (and your pants). Here is the definitive list of the best and worst places to drop an emergency deuce. Notice: conditions at individual establishments may vary. Not every Walmart is poopable. Use this as a general guide, not the bible.
9 poops out of 10--Lowes. Believe you me, I was just as surprised. A giant department store with reasonably clean facilities? Fully stocked toilet paper rolls? A sink that works, with consistent water pressure? New, state of the art hand dryers? What is this, the Hilton? Maybe all the time that one spends wandering around looking for an employee that knows where in the hell you can find water softer pellets leaves customers with little time to fuck up the bathroom. Also, maybe nobody really works at Lowes. I sure as hell can't ever find anybody.
5 reasonably solid bowel movements out of 10--Walmart. Walmart is the definition of mediocre. It ain't the best place in the world to take a poop, but it's better than digging a hole in the ground or shitting your pants. There's usually a pretty thin layer of fecal smearing on the floors, but I'm assuming you're wearing shoes, so you should be okay. There might be toilet paper, there might not. The family restroom is a good gamble, but I swear to god, the door is always locked. There probably are Walmarts where the bathrooms shine like the throne of Zeus, but there are also Walmarts where the facilities serve as a secondary entrance to the Underworld. You're rolling the dice, buddy. You get what you get and you don't throw a fit.
1 sloppy dump in your panties out of 10--Random gas station bathroom. Why the fuck do they lock gas station bathrooms? Is it because they're scared someone will die in there? There certainly is a non-trivial chance that you will meet your end in the smelly shitter of BP, if you dare to poop there. The sink won't work, the toilet won't flush, there will be urine and feces everywhere, and Sea Bass might kick down the door for a raping good time. There is an honest debate whether it is better to shit your pants rather than to utilize a gas station bathroom. If you gotta, then make sure you've been doing your squats, because you're going to have to hover three inches away from that toilet seat in order to assure you don't get crabs or some disease previously unknown to mankind. Poop at your own risk.
3 messy poos of variable solidity out of 10--Random fast food bathroom. If you thought Walmart was a gamble, then you're rolling with disadvantage any time you enter a fast food bathroom. It will not be a pleasant experience, but there's a small chance, oh so trivial, that you might find a good place to take a shit. Whether or not it is the actual toilet is up to the gods of chance. Garbage in, garbage out, baby.
2 hot squirters in your tighty-whities--Kroger. Honestly, Kroger should be better than Lowes. Most people don't want to linger in the grocery store, let alone poop. However, every Kroger bathroom that I've ever entered has smelled like the deepest, darkest depths of the sewer. I'm starting to sweat just thinking about that reek. Why does it smell so bad in there? Does every employee have irritable bowel syndrome? And what's with the goddamn cheap ass toilet paper, the shit that seems to shrink in your hands? How am I supposed to wipe my ass with a piece of onion skin paper that literally disintegrates before my eyes? Don't shit here unless you want to smell the devil and get poop all over your fingers.
4 two-part poops that take too long to come out of your anus out of 10--My downstairs bathroom. I have two little boys. There will be urine under the toilet seat. There will be urine on the water tank. There will be urine behind the toilet. There might even be urine in the toilet, but seldom do we get so lucky. Doesn't matter if I bleach this bathroom, it will inevitably smell like pee. Poop, but do not linger.
0 to 1 rock solid Juice Robinson's in your pants--The bathrooms of my single friends. Now I'm not trying to be sexist here. I know that women can be just as gross as men. But I think I'd risk a gas station bathroom over the water closets of my single buddies. Whether it be a big old wad of hair that may or may not come from the pubic region resting on the toilet seat to the literal smell of skunk emanating from the dank recesses of an orange-colored bathtub, you don't want to take a shit in this sort of place. Fuck it. When in Rome, do what the Romans do. Poop your pants.
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