Someone Please Teach Me How to Monetize Myself Like the Piece of Consumer Trash that I Am

 

Hey I was wondering if anybody knew how to get famous and rich on Youtube or Tiktok or any of the other avenues of personal commercialization. Obviously I need some help. The most-viewed video on my Youtube channel has 15 views. This blog has been in existence since 2013 and all it's earned me is a constant hangover and a couple of weird comments. It has been my dream, for all of fifteen minutes, to become a famous unwrapper of boxes. Do you think there is an audience willing to watch a thirty-five year old man rip apart packages of meat? I dunno. All I know is that my value as a human being is dependent on my ability to commodify my existence. If nobody wants to watch me play video games in a tight tank top, I really don't know what I'll do with my life.

You should be thinking about yourself in terms of efficiency and value. Are you wasting your time? Don't you think there's something productive you could be doing to help contribute to the endless cycle of consumption? Push your brand, bro. Elon Musk gets by on six hours of sleep a night; you can too. Of course, Elon Musk probably has a handjob by a Swedish hand model for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and you're not quite at his level yet, you lazy dweeb. You know he makes those goddamn Teslas himself, right? He's earned those billions, and just because you and I are low caste wage slaves doesn't mean we can't have a piece of the pie, that is, if we're prepared to sacrifice our souls while treating ourselves like disposable consumer trash. It's our fault that we're not best buds with luminaries like Joe Rogan, host of Fear Factor. It's our fault that we haven't ascended to the top of the capitalist pyramid.

You know, I have a goddamn video camera. Surely I am capable of something that will inexplicably hold the interest of billions. Maybe I'll haul tractor tires around my farm or squat in a hole with a dildo on my head for ten hours. All of it will be recorded for posterity, and all of it will be hosted by our benevolent overlord, Google. Don't be evil, bro! Remember when that was Google's motto? I can't recall if that was before or after they worked with the Chinese government to integrate their products with the Great Firewall. Watch out; my blog is next. Haha, nobody gives a shit. Google is happy to give me free internet hosting in exchange for my data. Google is providing us all with a wonderful way to commodify ourselves. It's all about the benjamins, peeps. Christ, this is why I have no audience.

Maybe I'll bring back the Pointless Podcast, the podcast that was the antithesis of podcasts, if that can exist. Somehow, there's got to be a way to milk all of my artistic ability for top dollar. Or maybe it all doesn't matter. Perhaps I can have value as a human being without constantly selling myself or facing a camera like a goddamn animal in a zoo.

Who am I fucking kidding? This is late-stage capitalism, friend. The shitty dystopia is here. God bless America.