I've been standing in line for hours in Milwaukee to vote for the Leopards Eating People's Faces Party candidate for the State Supreme Court, and I'm starting to have second thoughts. This was one of only five polling places open in a city that normally has 180. My absentee ballot never arrived, so despite the wait and the obvious danger of waiting in line with a bunch of people during a pandemic, I ventured out to support my party. After all, the Leopards Eating People's Faces Party is against abortion, and as a man I consider it vital for me to voice my opinion regarding women's reproductive rights. The Leopards Eating People's Faces Party also fully supports gun rights, and as a man who would one day like to own a bazooka, I have to get out and vote. Unfortunately, I have a lung disorder that make me especially vulnerable to the coronavirus, but hey, live and let live. Sure the Democrat Governor wanted to delay the election, but that's a suppression of our voting rights, so I'm glad the Supreme Court of the United States ruled in favor of the Leopards Eating People's Faces Party. Of course, nobody wants to man the polls because of the coronavirus, so I may not actually get to vote. Maybe my absentee ballot will get here today; if it does, I better mail it quick because it has to be postmarked by the seventh or my vote will not be counted. That doesn't sound very democratic to me. But you know what? We live in a Federal Republic. I don't see the word "Democracy," do you?
All politicians are corrupt, after all. The Democrats want to take away the bazooka I wanted to buy, and they'd force me to get an abortion if I was a woman. Let me tell you something, liberals: nobody is taking my imaginary guns or my imaginary babies away, not over my dead body. If I have to pick between two evils, then I'm picking the evil that values guns and pregnant women, which do not go together, lemmie tell you.
Of course, there's always the danger that I might get my face eaten by my elected representative. Leopards do eat faces. It's right there in the name. Statistically, it won't be my face, but it might be someone I know. Maybe even a family member. To tell the truth, I'm a little uncomfortable thinking about a leopard eating the face of a loved one. I'm going to stop thinking about it.
Unfortunately I'm rather emotionally connected to the Leopards Eating People's Faces Party. I identify with them; they have the same beliefs as I do, and I often see myself as one of them. It's not crazy, you know. A man could pretend to be a leopard. I could put a cat suit on and growl and sharpen my nails like claws. I wouldn't even eat people's faces! Although I could, I guess. Liberal faces.
Now that I think about it a little more, the Leopards Eating People's Faces Party sure does like to hurt people. Guns hurt people. Forcing women to have babies is kind of cruel, I guess. Making people stand in line to vote during a pandemic sucks. Eating people's faces is gross and probably incredibly painful.
Naw, fuck it. Reflection is for the nerds. Long live the Leopards Eating People's Faces Party! Uh, wait, what is that? Is that a goddamn leopard? Oh my god, he just ate that guy's face off! Fuck this, I'm outta here!
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