On Eating Healthy

Nothing like a nice meal of raw meat and fish.

You know what's healthy? Six raw eggs in a blender mixed with whole milk and a mysterious protein powder full of dubious "super-foods." Also several cups of coffee throughout the day. Over a pound of meat, mostly red. Sugar in the form of dried oatmeal or multigrain cheerios composed of grains that have been genetically modified to be resistant to gylphostate. Several beers spread throughout the week, some good, some bad. Cheesy baked crackers designed for children. 

I consider myself a pretty healthy eater, but what's healthy is a divisive topic. Is a high protein diet conducive to long term health? How much coffee is too much? Pretty much any alcohol is bad for you.

I don't look like a blob, which is good, but who knows what my cholesterol level is, or whether I should give a damn.

In general, it's good to avoid things that are obviously not food. Pop-tarts may be delicious in a trashy sort of way, but Pop-tarts are not food. Can you tell me what a Pop-tart is made of? Hell if I know. That shit isn't made from strawberries, I can guarantee you that. Similarly, chips are not food. Oreos are not food. Soda is not food. Anything that comes in a box is pretty much not food.

That's the rule to live by. Don't buy things in boxes. Eat your salads and fruits and lean meats. Drink your dairy if you can process lactose. Don't eat things that come in cans, unless you're in a fallout shelter and you're dying for some botulism. Also, don't buy supplements. Some moron came up with the term "super-food." What the fuck's a super-food supposed to do, make your forearms grow several inches like Popeye's? If you traded your kale for the grass growing in your yard, your gut would be just as healthy.

Everyone's obese because they've forgotten what real food is. Once you get past not eating things that come in boxes, there's no real consensus on what's healthy. Is a vegan diet healthy? Maybe for some people, but I personally don't want to look like Moby. What about a high protein diet? Might increase your risk of colon cancer, plus all those cow farts are killing the planet. What about Weight-Watchers or whatever Oprah's peddling? Comes in boxes. I don't care how many pounds Terry Bradshaw lost, that guy's got something wrong with his brain. I don't know anything, but I'll tell you what I think anyway.

So yeah, listen to the guy who eats six raw eggs every day. Obviously something's right with my brain, or I'm just resistant to salmonella. Eat your spinach and apples. Don't touch any cookies unless you want to grow blue fur and googly eyes.