Monday, March 30, 2015

Wrestlemania 2015 Review

Daniel Bryan, the inexplicably popular goat-man. At least he isn't John Cena.

Here are some scattered thoughts about Wrestlemania 2015. They are organized in list format because I am lazy and writing in such a manner is easier than actually forming paragraphs.

1. Can you smell what the Rock is cooking? I can. He's cooking tiramisu and it smells delicious. And he smacked Triple H! How cool was that? It was so cool, that's how cool it was!

2. Before John Cena came out to wrestle fake Russian Rusev (who is actually from Bulgaria, a country most Americans don't know exists), a ridiculous movie was shown, complete with American flags, Ronald Regan, and military tributes. The WWE wants you to know that the cold war is not over, and John Cena stands for the missionary position and cargo shorts and patriotism and shit. It was saccharine and distasteful and completely at odds with the spectacle that was taking place. Well, no, it wasn't, but...ahh, shit.

3. The WWE finally let fan-favorite Daniel Bryan win something. I understand that fans are tired of Vince McMahon pushing his giant steroid dudes on everyone, but Daniel Bryan looks like a goat and he has your dad's body, and that's his gimmick. Someone give him a top hat or joker face paint or some fat burners, please.

4. Sting versus Triple H was a big fight, even though Sting is like on his third hip replacement, and Triple H looks like he eats babies for breakfast along with massive spoonfuls of human growth hormone. They should've let Sting win. The guy saw The Crow and he's never been able to wrap his head around anything else. What's he going to tell the guys about at the retirement home now?

5. Is the WWE racist? Their wrestlers consist of giant buff white guys, giant fat white guys, scrawny white guys who look like goats, the Rock, and buxom white girls. Booker T is the last superstar black guy I can remember, and that's just sad, because nobody likes Booker T. I don't even think the guy can read.

6. Do all wrestlers sign some sort of agreement that states that they can be called upon to wrestle at any time, no matter how old and fat they have become? They dragged out Hulk Hogan and Shaun Michaels, and those guys really need to quit before their hearts explode. 

7. I want everyone to know that wrestling is real, because Triple H got a huge bruise on his leg and Dean Ambrose can't remember how to tie his shoes now because of running into a ladder with his head.  

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