Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Q&A with the Conan Brothers


Professional bodybuilders Dave and Arnold Conan answer your questions about weight lifting, dieting, love, and Freudian psychology! Seriously, these guys have all the answers!

SecretInternetFatty asks "Why can't I get to a 315 lbs squat?"

Arnold: Because you're a pussy.

Dave: Low-T. That's the answer for everything nowadays.

Arnold: But really, you're not lifting very hard if you can't squat 315 lbs. Three plates is baby weight. My mom can squat that.

Dave: Quit being a pussy is the answer.

Arnold: A better question might be "Why do I suck at life, and should I kill myself?"

Dave: That's a sad question.

Arnold: They usually are.
...

HoldenCaulfieldsGhost asks "If you could bang any chick off of any commercial, who would you bang?"

Arnold: An interesting question.

Dave: Easy answer. The Wendy's chick.

Arnold: The fat one?

Dave: No, the red-headed minx they have harping about hamburgers like she's addicted to beef.

Arnold: Oh, she's addicted to beef all right. Yeah, that chick looks like she'd do dirty things. Dark, unspeakable things that would make you question whether there's something legitimately wrong with you.

Dave: Now I have a question. Would you be in on a threesome with the Wendy's chick and Ronald McDonald?

Arnold: Clowns like little kids.

Dave: You didn't answer the question.

Arnold: No, but I'd be in on a threesome with fake Wendy's chick and the real Wendy.

Dave: Next question, please.


CODIsReal69 asks "What protein you dudes on? Where can I get some of that shit?"

Arnold: We are on the special protein. You can't find it in stores.

Dave: We are on MadDog's Super-duper hyper-whey isolate, formulated with pig testicles and virgin's blood.

Arnold: Protein powder is a rip-off. Most of it is spiked with taurine, which throws off the amino acid profile. What you're paying for is not what you're getting.

Dave: We recommend you buy more meat. More meat is always the answer.

Arnold: Eat double your body weight in protein a day, and we'll be asking you what protein you're on.
...

Shittyshittybangbang asks "Who was the better Freudian psychologist? Dr. Frasier Crane or Niles?"

Arnold: Frasier, 'cuz Kelsey Grammer is my boy.

Dave: Dude was born to play the Beast.

Arnold: Next question.
...
Jesuswasripped asks "What superhero actor achieved a physique comparable to the character they portrayed?"

Arnold: Awesome question.

Dave: A much debated question between the two of us.

Arnold: I say Henry Cavill, though the new Superman movie kinda sucked.

Dave: Tom Hardy's traps.

Arnold: Not Tom Hardy? Just his traps?

Dave: Yeah, his traps just took over. They became sentient. That stupid voice he did as Bane? That was his traps speaking.

Arnold: He was kind of fat in Batman.

Dave: But his traps!

Arnold: Traps are easy to grow. You just have to lift weights.


ButIalreadyHadDinner asks "If I stop masturbating, will my testosterone count increase?"

Arnold: Wow.

Dave: Dumb question of the week award.

Arnold: But there are no dumb questions, Dave.

Dave: There are dumb questions.

Arnold: Why would you want to stop masturbating? Are your gains so precious that you'd forgo sexual satisfaction to preserve them? Masturbate more, motherfucker.

Dave: You'll become a sexual Tyrannosaurus.

Arnold: You could never become a dinosaur, Dave. It just isn't possible.

Dave: A man can hope.

Arnold: Yes, though it's better to masturbate. I think discussion time is over.

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